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December 21, 2009

This is where it starts to get REALLY complicated. Andrew and I started calling each other again on November 1, 2009 but by the time Thanksgiving came around, I wasn't feeling confident about our relationship. Here's what I wrote.

Despite all the joy I felt when I talked to him, I continued to get the feeling that Andrew and I should no longer be talking as often as we were. So, during Thanksgiving break, I called Andrew and told him that we needed to not talk so often. He was bummed, but not devastated. One part of the conversation went like this:
"You know what makes me really mad?" Andrew asked.
"What?" I replied.
"Never mind. You'll be mad."
"No. Andrew, just tell me. What?"
"I just know that when you go down to BYU some other *inappropriate term* is going to get you."
"Well, you never know."
"No. I do know," was his reply.
We wrapped up the conversation and said goodbye.
This not talking so often thing didn't work out so well. Two days after this, he texted me to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving and I engaged him in conversation and things began to roll again. I wanted to let it, but again, I felt that I needed to break things off, but completely. I ignored the feeling for a while, but a week later called him up and broke it off completely.
The week after that wasn't horrible. Yes, I did get lonely sometimes and wished that I could talk to him, but it wasn't horrible. I told my feelings to Lauren (Andrew's sister), who had become a pretty close friend.
On Sunday night, Lauren came over. She told me that she had talked to Andrew on facebook. She told me that she felt like we had kind of just broken things off without really talking it out and she felt like we really needed to just lay everything out on the table. She also told me that she liked me and she didn't want Andrew to screw it up with me. She said that she had never seen Andrew like anyone as much as he liked me, so she, being the protective sister, wanted her brother to have what he wanted to have.
So when she talked to Andrew, she told him that she thought that the reason why I wanted to break things off was because of his lack of commitment. She asked him,
"Andrew, would you be willing to commit to a long-distance relationship with Susan?"
"Oh. 100%. 150%," was his reply. She told him that she thought that he should call me then. He agreed and told her that he would call me the next day.
I had no idea what to do. I had made the decision not to talk to him and I was doing okay until then. I decided that I wasn't angry, though. There would be no point. What was done was done. The only thing that I had to decide was what I was going to do next. I had 24 hours to think about what I wanted and what I would do, so after stressing about it for a while, I finally went to bed and decided not to really think about it too much until after all of my classes the next day.
I decided that that night when he called me, I would tell him everything that I was feeling and ask him exactly how he was feeling. He told me that he thought I was amazing because I made him want to be a better person.
"Take one hand and put it at eye-level. Okay? Are you doing it?"
"Yes. *giggle*"
"Good. Now take your other hand and reach it as high as you can. You are the really high hand. That's where you are. When I met you, I was the eye-level hand. Now I'm raising to your level. You make me want to be better."
He also told me other reasons why he liked me (talented at singing, dancing, sewing, cooking, etc.). He told me that he had never thought that maybe the reason why I had wanted to cut things off was because of his lack of commitment, so he just wanted to let me know that he was willing to commit to a long-distance relationship, no matter the cost. He was willing to do that. He wanted to do that because I was worth it.
It was hard for me to hear that, because I had already decided that a long-distance relationship was not what I was going to do. I told him this and then asked him how he was feeling. He said that he was okay with it. He had been hoping for a different answer, but he understood. So, instead of not having any contact at all, we started to talk again.

*And finally, December 21, 2009. After two or three half break-ups that lasted one or two days, a week at most, this is the real deal. Our for sure break up. This is my side of what happened.

I still wasn't sure if I had made the right decision. I didn't really feel badly about talking to Andrew anymore, but I was so worried that maybe Andrew and I weren't supposed to long-distance date, but we needed to keep in touch just in case of the future... I didn't know. I decided that I couldn't really decide anything until I saw him again, but I called Andrew to talk about it. As I told him about why I was confused, a thought came to me that maybe I had needed to cut it off with Andrew completely because Andrew needed to realize how important our relationship was. Just as I thought it, Andrew said the exact same thing.
Finals finally finished and I went home. A couple of days after returning home, I talked to Mom and Dad about the whole situation and decided on a few things:
Long distance would be bad because I wouldn't be dating other boys
I'm 19-years-old
I'm starting a "new life" at BYU Provo
I might be unhappy and moaning and pining
Having Andrew coming to see me and talking to him every once in a while would be unfair of me because it'd be like every time something goes wrong with me and some other guy, Andrew becomes my fall back. It wouldn't be right of me to use him like that.
So I decided to break it off completely, meaning absolutely no-communication. That's what I did. The next day, I called and told him all of my reasons for breaking up. Andrew fought harder this time than the times before. He told me that he knew the dangers that he would be getting into, and he was okay with that. He was willing to take that risk because I was worth it to him. I argued that maybe that was how he felt now, but what about in the future? Would he regret it? He said no, but I disagreed.
"Yes, Andrew. Yes, you would. What if you wasted all that time waiting for someone and nothing worked out?" He told me again that he was willing to take the risk, but I wasn't. I wasn't willing to take that risk at his sake. This might sound cheesy, but I care about him too much to risk that.

*Hand slapping forehead*

So things were broken off completely. When I hung up the phone, that's when I broke down. I started hyperventilating and crying hysterically. It was so hard, and I still don't know if it was the right decision, but I've been trying hard just to do it, and I'm pretty sure that I'm failing again. Not horribly, but I still have talked to him a bit since then. Not on the phone, but over facebook a little and texting. He told me that he still wanted to give me my present that he had gotten me for Christmas

*A present he had not yet purchased. That little sneaky sneak!

and wondered if he should just mail it or if he could still give it to me in Provo as we had planned before. I said Provo because it would be easier, and I still wanted to give him his present as well, so we're going to see each other on the second and I don't know what will happen. It could answer a lot of questions, but it could create a whole lot of new ones. I don't know...
My main concern is that Andrew is the right one for me and I'm ruining it.

Now here are my thoughts with the beauty of hindsight.
I was extremely wobbly in my decisions. You may think of me as a silly little girl that can't do what she says and say what she means. You may think I'm weak. You may read this and laugh (go ahead! I laugh at myself all the time!), or you might just shake your head. If that's how you feel, that's okay! In many ways, you're right! I was a 19-year-old girl that didn't have a clue where her life was going or what she really wanted. All I can say is that Andrew must love me a lot if I can put him through an emotional roller coaster like this one, and to his credit, he must be a pretty amazing guy to keep winning me back!

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