September 28, 2015

Making up stories and crying a lot more than usual... but looking at the positives – life lately

Chelsea and I have started telling stories to each other. It started about a week ago. I'm not sure if Chelsea asked me to tell her a story first or if I offered, but we both have been loving it! Of course, I incorporate her name into the story, making her the main character of almost all my stories, which makes them all even better.

It's fun to challenge myself in coming up with an exciting story for Chelsea, and she tells me if it's exciting enough or not! There must always be an antagonist. If I forget to add one, in my haste to make a simple, sweet, story, or a quick story about how we need to share, Chelsea won't let me say "The End" until a bad guy has been inserted in there somewhere. The favorite thus far has been the one with two unicorns who go to a dragon's cave who has been flying down to the Unicorn's Village and trying to eat all the unicorns. The unicorns go up there, clean his cave, go grocery shopping for him, and make him pizza (because everyone loves pizza). When the dragon comes home, he says "Pizza?! I love pizza!" and they all become friends. Chelsea and Alexa loved this one because I made up a low voice for the dragon and they thought it was pretty funny.

Anyway, the point is, these stories have been really strengthening our relationship. Andrew and I have been pretty good for a long time at putting Chelsea to bed with a couple of good books and a little conversation (Alexa always just goes to sleep, but we'll add her in as she gets older) and I had the thought tonight that if we keep this habit up with Chelsea, it will become one of those memories for her that she carries until she's a mother, too. We'll all look back on these "pillow talks" with fondness. I know that I will.

an oldie that I know will be one of my favorite photos of all time (seen first here)

Life's been pretty rough for me lately. I've never been sapped of energy for such a long period of time in my life, and this third pregnancy is really doing a number on me. Throw in some totally wacked-out hormones and you've got yourself a hot mess. I'm not really a cry-er, at least, not since I was a little child (there ya go, siblings, I admit it). As a result of all these changes, though, you'd think I had been crying every day since I was born. It's been really tough on me.

The hardest part has been feeling like I don't even recognize myself anymore. I used to be interested in everything, but when my mom and Andrew suggested taking a class to learn something new (an opportunity I would normally jump at), I found myself coming up with excuses to avoid failure, exerting any more energy than I absolutely have to, and avoid people all together. None of these excuses has ever stopped me in the past. Cue the water works.

I don't know what the solution is. I don't know if something will change and I'll somehow get all my energy back tomorrow, but I decided that I'm making some goals. Little goals that will hopefully help me to rediscover myself and lessen the tears.

After Women's Conference last night, I decided to change my perspective on this pregnancy. One of the speakers mentioned that when we have finished with our lives here on Earth and return to the Glory of our Heavenly Father, we will think, "Is that it? Are those trials all I had to endure?" That's not to belittle trials in any way because, they're pretty dang hard, but compared to the Glory we will receive from God if we remain true, our trials will seem "but a small moment." D&C 121: 7-8

When I give birth to this baby boy, I know it will feel the same. I also know that there are SO many women out there who would give anything to be going through what I am if it meant that they could have a child. My heart mourns for these women and I am ashamed that I have complained at all.

I don't know everything, but one thing I do know is that every single one of us is special. Divine. All of us are blessed with our lives and circumstances so that we can have experiences unique to us. Experiences that allow us to touch someone else's life, to provide them perspective that they otherwise would never know. That is why each of us is so important! That is why each of us is needed by our Heavenly Father! He loves you! You are important to Him, and He needs you.

All I'm saying is to not give up. I say it to you and, more especially, to myself. Dark clouds will pass and if you turn around, you'll see the sun reflecting off all the knowledge you now have and the truth that you now know. And you will have a unique and beautiful life ahead of you, one that still contains trials, but that you are fully equipped to meet head-on.

Thanks for reading today. I hope that you really do feel that you are special and important. Now excuse me while I go say a prayer of gratitude and cry tears of gratitude tonight.
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