January 21, 2013

Trains

I love riding on the train. There's something so calming about it. The feel of land passing beneath you at such a fast pace that you almost feel like you're getting lost somewhere with the land. It's different than driving. You don't have to worry about changing lanes, drowsy drivers, or that grouchy guy who gives you the finger. It can be a time for reflection. As the train speeds ahead, leaving your past behind, you can almost see your future unraveling before you.
When I think of my past, I see times of uncertainty and doubt, accompanied by choices poorly made, or avoided all together, with tears adding to the discordant sound. I also see a staircase with a railing that's fun to slide down, a wall hanging that says "This house is full of kids and love," and the evidence that it is true playing games in one room and making cookies in the kitchen.
The present seems to be moving quickly by, just as the train moves, leaving little time to consider some of the unknown places I'm passing. But the excitement and the rush of the train propels me forward and the forever enticing destination keeps my mind busy with what I will see when I get there.
The future, although uncertain, carries with it a feeling of wonder. I think of what lies ahead and all of the beautiful things that will be there. I am also cautious. I try to be realistic as I consider the possibilities. House, more children, better income... It looks warm, inviting, and bright, but there's a part that is not entirely light. I can see that although my destination takes me to the warm glow that is my future, it is also taking me to the dark. I realize that I must take the dark with the light. I can not take the glow alone. The dark must come with it. The words from a familiar song come to mind. "I know that the night must end, and that the sun will rise," and I am reminded that even the darkest of nights can not last forever, and that when the morning comes, the sun appears even brighter than the day before.
I lean back into my chair as these thoughts of trains and time speed through my mind and I feel at peace. Relaxed... And then the doors open, and the spectators of the latest Jazz game, board. The sleeping child that was lying peacefully in front of me erupts into tears. I calmly lift her into my arms and think to myself, "The past is history, the future a mystery, but right now is a gift, and that's why it's called the present." I hold my crying child a little closer, close my eyes, and smile as the train continues onward.
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My very dear friend Emily just got a home of her very own which is why my mind is turned toward the future! Of course, I know that you can't concentrate just on the destination and what life will be, or you'll get lost in it and miss out on the moment, but I think that the anticipation is part of the fun, like Christmas!
Anyway, Andrew and I helped Emily and her husband (plus little baby boy in the oven!) move into their new home and it is so beautiful and nice and it's theirs! I wouldn't say that I'm jealous really. It's true that I so desperately wish we had our own four bedroom home right now, with a basement, garage, and beautiful backyard, but the feeling that is most present in me is excitement.
Since then, Andrew and I have been talking a lot about what kind of home we want and what kind of home we will be able to afford in a few months. We've talked about town homes, condos, and fixer-uppers being in our list of affordables. I don't want the world with this first home, but my heart longs for a real home. Something that I can call my own, that we'll be able to grow in to, and stay for 10 or 15 years. I've been trying to think of anything I can do to help our family get a little extra income so that we can get that kind of home. I'm considering substitute teaching, but am totally torn. We have family nearby that could babysit Chelsea for me, but even still, I want to be with my little girl. I've also considered voice lessons and continuing the Etsy business, but to be honest, right now, the Etsy business is kind of dead. Maybe I need to be more tenacious (a.k.a. annoying to all of my friends).
Such are the thoughts of a longing heart. *sigh* But I hate to end on a slightly depressing note!
Today has been so great already! I'm keeping with my half marathon training schedule and ran two miles this morning with Chelsea. It took me 19:27 and I don't think that's too bad for not having run in a very... very... very long time. After running, Chelsea and I had our swimming lesson which went pretty well, but it was a little colder today and Chelsea mostly wanted to be snuggled close to me (which I don't mind too much) and her little bath toy. We went to the grocery store after that, came home and put away all the groceries, ate lunch, played for a little while, took a bath, cleaned the bathroom, and now little miss Chelsea is sleeping. Not bad at all! And let me tell you, that towel apron I made last week is probably one of my favorite things I've made. There's nothing better than cuddling close to your little one after a nice bath. If you haven't taken a look at it yet and/or made it, I would say: DO IT! I love it. Here's a link to the tutorial.
I hope you're having as productive day as I am! Turn on some Disney music and get to it, friends!
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3 comments :

  1. Just keep hanging on. Your train will take you to a better destination than you could have chosen on your own! Be true to your role as a mother - it will bring you more real happiness than anything else. Don't let the demands and desires of the present distract you from your role. I regret the years I did not focus more on that myself. Patience and trusting in the Lord's will and time-table = total happiness, guaranteed!

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  2. hey there! Found your blog some how...I don't really know, hopefully that doesn't sound creepy. but I love reading it because I have a little boy who's 8 months old so I enjoy hearing about your little babe. :) anyways, my husband and I are totally in the same boat as you guys. all our friends are buying houses while we live in a little basement apartment. I taught kindergarten full time and quit to stay home with our baby. I too keep trying to find other income and it isn't happening. and the thought of leaving him with anyone else all day makes me want to cry. I truly think being home is the best job and I really don't think we will regret it.

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  3. Thanks, Shulamith and Angie. It really helps to have wonderful people like you to give me affirmation that what I'm doing at home with my babe is more important than anything else and you're right. I won't regret staying home with her.
    Thanks for helping me get my focus back on my role as a mother. I love being a mom!

    Sue

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